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While Thanksgiving presents the opportunity to wind down, reconnect with family, and celebrate the holidays with those we love, it can also become a point of stress.
Whether it’s pressure to make the perfect meal or tensions that arise from family disagreements, conflict can turn our holiday expectations upside down. Lara Descartes, family studies professor in the Faculty of Health Sciences, explains what’s at the root of Thanksgiving tensions, and how we can navigate the challenges this upcoming season.
Western News: Thanksgiving is meant to celebrate gratitude and togetherness – why does it often become a source of stress?
Lara Descartes (LD): Expectations can be very high. Media and advertisements often present these lovely family holidays where everyone’s laughing, having a good time, sharing and appreciating one another. When reality doesn’t match that, it often leads to disappointment.
There can be a lot of pressure to present the perfect holiday: the perfect meal, perfect decorations, perfect harmony among family members. When you’re aiming for perfection, it always makes everything more stressful.
What are the common sources of tension we see arising during family gatherings?
LD: There are so many sources of possible tension because holidays are symbolically important to us. We know that they’re cultural institutions: everyone is taking part, which can lead us to imagine that everyone else is doing it with more fun, more togetherness and more joy.
We also often see conflict around identity. A change of identity is hard for families to accept, which is why there can be tension when students return home. Thanksgiving is the first time back for many students since leaving in the summer. You’re returning from the university environment where you have your own identity, which has likely changed from the one you had in high school or the one you have in relation to your family.
Change is hard no matter what – whether it’s good or bad – and families may not react the way an individual wants. While we’re hoping for this wonderful return and to be embraced in the bosom of our family, everyone may need some time to adjust to big or little changes.
Why can seemingly small comments or disagreements about mundane things like food become disproportionately emotional?
LD: They may not be small to the people involved. While the person who upset another may feel it was a small issue they can explain away, to the person at whom it was directed it can hold much more weight. For example, say somebody cooked the whole Thanksgiving meal – which can take days – and then everyone sits down and dad says, ‘boy, this is dry’. That would be very hurtful. The amount of labor and emotion going into this ritualized experience can make interactions more loaded than normal.
Things like food might seem small, but food is identity! It’s rooted in tradition and culture. Because the holidays centre around meals, it can definitely become a touchstone for conflict. Whether it’s people expressing their own boundaries around food, or the experience they had making it, it certainly holds a lot of emotional weight.
What do movies and TV shows get right about Thanksgiving family tension and what does this media portrayal get wrong?
LD: We often see conflict being resolved quickly on our screens. For example, the 22-year-old talks seriously to dad about whether he’s accepting her new partner, and he sees the error of his ways. People don’t work like that, which can set up unrealistic expectations that I don’t particularly like as a family studies scholar, because we can’t expect easy resolutions. Change, and accommodation to change, takes time.
Part of the perfectionism and idealism we feel around Thanksgiving can come from media – not just sitcoms, but cooking shows and commercials too. They present these wonderful, picturesque dishes, and the reality is that our food might not even be warm all at the same time! It’s part of their business model, to present these images which make us aspire to more and to buy their product.
What they do get right, though, is that people come back for the holidays because they care so deeply about their families, and want to see them happy. Some people travel thousands of kilometers, and some families put a lot of pressure on everyone to come home for Thanksgiving. It’s certainly an important family ritual.
How should families navigate disagreements? Is it best to avoid, or can it be healthy?
LD: Conflict is normal. But families are resilient, and most can weather that conflict. There may be anger, guilt and rejection for some time, but over time circumstances and attitudes change, and resolution unfolds.
Family dynamics are so central to how we feel, and it’s easy to be really hurt by someone close to us. But we have to put ourselves into their shoes, and consider their perspective. Does this person need time to adjust? Does this person have a poor memory and just isn’t remembering something that is important to me?
Trusting that over time things will probably resolve, even if we’re not happy with them right now, can go a long way.
What’s one thing people could do differently this Thanksgiving that might make their family gathering better?
LD: Lower your expectations. Don’t expect it to be perfect, because it’s too much pressure on you and your family.
We need to relieve the expectations we have of our families acting a certain way, because that’s not fair. People are their own individuals with their own histories and beliefs. Some of them may never mesh with our own, but it’s part of life! Accepting this can let us take responsibility for our own emotional state. We just have to be who we are.
If we can set a goal to experience rather than achieve perfection, that leaves more space for the good that is there. And there will be good. It may not be as joyful as we might have hoped, but that’s OK.
How can families seek out more joy, rather than stress, during the holidays?
LD: Many families have rituals that bring them joy. The board games after dinner, the football game, the hike. These moments tend to bring us joy even if there may be disagreements throughout the day.
The holidays are also a chance to show your family how you have changed. It’s a chance to meet new family members. It’s an opportunity to make new memories.
Appreciate what is there, and the fact that you get to share time with the people you love. Even if there’s some conflict, we are all here together. Life can change very quickly, so try to appreciate it for what it is at that moment.
